PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
