Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
