You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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