That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
