Tell her she can't have a vagina
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
they're like a gay fantastic four
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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