I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
