the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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