Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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