fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
