she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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