I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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