Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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