Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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