I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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