My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
