I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
