my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Randomize
