thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
