So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
