when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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