apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
