dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Randomize
