how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
