So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
