Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Randomize
