I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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