You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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