Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
