just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
