I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
