i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize