Fine. I'll sleep in my office
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
