I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
