Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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