Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
