just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
