Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
