i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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