i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
