i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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