my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
