stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
