hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
