im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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