i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
