You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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