This is not my ceiling
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
