walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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