The maid of honor just puked.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
