While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
