Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Randomize
