Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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