my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Ketchup is God's man juice
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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