used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I enjoy the company of your penis
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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