i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
