That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
