I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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