you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
