I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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