can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
