I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
pop tarts are not kleenex
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Drunk is not a location!
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
